Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Kim’s Chicken Tortilla Soup and What I Learned from It

Gentle Masterminds,

The weather has turned cold here, and as the stark white sky glares down at this innocent little Mastermind, my mind turns to warmer pursuits. I find myself making food, or nestling in at coffee shops to write.

So here I am in Berkeley; I just ate a vegan doughnut.

As you can imagine, I’ve been remiss in many of my duties, not least this blog. Lately I’ve been so busy writing that dinners, and cuisine in general, have fallen to the wayside. I thought it was high time for some hot comfort food to be waiting for Dan when he got home.

Of course that’s when my shit goes horribly wrong.

Kim’s Chicken Tortilla Soup

1 pre-cooked rotisserie chicken

2 cartons reduced sodium chicken stock

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 gloves garlic, minced

1 medium shallot, minced

2 teaspoons cumin

1 pinch crushed red pepper

1 large carrot, chopped

½ cup green onion chopped

1 cup chopped celery

4 small Yukon Gold potatoes, quartered

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can black beans, rinsed and drained

¾ cup corn

Fresh lime


Salt and pepper to taste

1 cup cilantro, chopped

1 medium jalapeño

Grated cheese

Crushed tortilla chips

In a large stockpot, heat olive oil over medium high heat. Sauté garlic, shallot, cumin and crushed red pepper until translucent. Add carrot, green onion, celery, potatoes and stock. Bring to a rapid boil. Reduce heat, add tomatoes, black beans, chicken and corn. Simmer covered for 30-45 minutes*. Add cilantro, lime, salt and pepper to taste. If you want a spicier soup, add chopped jalapeno. Serve immediately garnished with grated cheese, tortilla chips and sliced avocado.

Makes: a shit ton.

* I am unsure if this is necessary, but it makes me feel like I didn’t cheat so much. It probably gets everything all mixed up and melds flavors and shit. If you don’t have the time just heat through and nom nom nom.

Now, this is a great soup. Dan and I thoroughly enjoyed dinner. After dinner, I got up and went to the bathroom. I am currently menstruating. I washed my hands, did my business and inserted, too much information warning, my o.b. tampon with my finger.

I stood up, too late, I already knew what I did. I cut up the goddamn jalapeno barehanded like a complete dumbass.

Meanwhile, Dan had run to the back of the house because he couldn’t tell what was going on in the bathroom from all the whining, moaning, groaning and whimpers. I ripped the tampon out and danced from foot to foot holding my crotch.

Quotes of note from last night:

“My pussy hurts!”

“Pepper spray is inhumane.”

“Oh my God Dan, what the fuck!?!?!”

He assured me that a warm shower with some soapy action should do the trick. Gladly it did, but I will never, EVER, cut peppers without gloves again.

This was too embarrassing to not share. Remember: I fuck things up and tell you all about it so you can rock it. Now you know the new definition of “fire crotch.” I’m going to update right now.

Until next time, I salute you.


  1. Hilarious! I am so glad that you're around to have these experiences so I can learn from them instead of doing them myself!

  2. Oh, you crack my ass up! My early morning coffee nearly came spraying out my nose. :-) Glad to see you're back - I've missed reading your everyday exploits. Keep the posts coming!

  3. It figures that a soup with my name on it would go hand in hand with Fire Crotch! Too funny. I forgot about this soup and I like the variations...gonna make it, and I will remember to wear gloves. Lol!