Thursday, January 28, 2010


Dear, sweet, Masterminds:

I am looking at two cantaloupe-sized balls of aqua yarn born of a single pound of knitting worsted weight acrylic. This yarn was purchased with the intention of making a baby blanket for my friend.

The problems with this are as follows:

1. I can only knit in a straight line.

2. I don't know how to follow a knitting pattern.

3. The baby on the pattern is making my eggs drop.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Random Update

Hello Masterminds!

Somehow, some magical way, I am home in the middle of the afternoon. More outrageous than that, all the dishes and laundry are done. The house is clean (excepting that layer of dust that plagues this place). It's not raining, and the sun is even out. Both kitties are sleeping peacefully on their little kitty pillows, and I think I've got some NCIS on the TiVo waiting for me. Word, turkey bird!

A big thank you goes out to Comcast, of all things, who offers free Internet security with service. It totally made my day. Especially because when I downloaded it my computer just kept on working.

I have been reading a fair amount. Right now:

StarWars Legacy of the Force Betrayal = meh
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies = like a Jane Austen orgasm

In other news:

I hate, with an impressive passion, Medco Health. It's this stupid mail order prescription service that our health insurance is making us do. I'm telling you, it is the most ridiculously complicated nonsense, and I wish it were a person so I could kick it in its shin. Hate. It. Seriously. Feeling murderous just thinking about it. And it's not like I can just stop taking my birth control.

Because, you know, it like, controls my birth and stuff.


I started taking an informal Spanish class. And teaching said Spanish teacher English. Positively wild reciprocity is going on in Richmond.

The best news to date:

The cat has stopped peeing outside of the litter box! She just hated our laundry room! We moved the litter box upstairs, and voila, no more peeing. I can deal with a smelly litter box rather than looking frantically for mystery pee smells. All of the aluminum, the boxes, and screaming are just a silly memories of the past.

I hope you all are being as productive!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Crazy, Even for Me

Greetings dear Masterminds!

Since I've fallen wildly in love with the Danimal, I've experienced a notable lack of drama. Boy drama. Not that I'm complaining. He is... perfection, a burrito if you will, bursting with all sorts of good things wrapped into a convenient package. The sight of him positively brings me joy.

Take a moment to puke. I completely understand.

But this blog is not about my handsome co-conspirator. As I was walking this morning, bumbling along burning calories, I realized that my life does not have to be drama free. I have a reason to throw things, make bad choices (such as drunk dialing and over eating), and call girlfriends to bitch.

Me: Can you believe that pizza didn't call me back? I didn't want to eat the whole thing. Should I call?
Friend: I think there may be a carbon monoxide leak in your house.
Me: Well I'm done thinking that I need a stupid pizza to make me feel awesome. I totally rock without pepperoni.
Friend: Seriously, you need psychological help.


I have decided to deem my newlywed fat the ridiculously stupid ex-boyfriend that I wish would have exploding butt diarrhea while shopping at Urban Outfitters. Do you understand the power I have unleashed? Put more simply, I have gained 50 pounds since I met Dan. Without going into specific numbers, all I will admit to is that my cute little profile picture over there, she was 50 pounds ago. Yeah, it's not cute.

So I'm calling this blubber, this unnecessary weight I've been hauling around, enemy number one. All the songs loaded onto my iPod have new meaning and I have an object to scorn.

I'm so excited!

Let me give you some examples:

Miranda Lambert's Gunpowder & Lead

I'm goin' home
Gonna load my shotgun,
Wait by the door and light a cigarette.
He wants a fight, well now he's got one,
And he ain't seen me crazy yet.
Slap'd my face, and shook me like a rag doll,
Don't that sound like a real man?
I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of;
Gunpowder and lead.

David Guetta's When Love Takes Over

Give me a reason,
I gotta know,
Do you feel it too?
Can't you see me here on overload?
And this time I blame you.
Lookin' out for you to hold my hand
It feels like I could fall.
Love me right like, I know you can
We could lose it all!

Hells yeah I could lose it all. I will be crushing on my awesome, sporty body. Hey-suess Christo, I am a fucking genius!

Feel free to follow suit, unless you are concerned about being outright insane, which is totally understandable.

And with that, Masterminds, I am now back in the game.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Joys of Insomnia

Good day to you fellow Masterminds!

A cold, dark Thursday morning, before even the sun's rays have warmed the Earth, and I am wide awake. Pulled taught already, like an overstretched rubber band. So I don't have an attack, I have decided to look on this as fortuitous. After an hour of pondering, and consciously unclenching my muscles, I decided to just get up and see what I could get done. Here I am.

It's 6:03am and I've:

Visited with the Yoseph
Played Bookworm
Folded two baskets of laundry
Cleaned up cat pee (&#^@@#$)
Paid bills
Wrote 2 birthday cards and one long overdue thank you card
Started my blog

So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty happy with myself. I haven't always been this fantastic, however. When I just started big girl college I used to wake up in the middle of the night to chain smoke cigarettes in my apartment while brooding about the state of the world. That is, until my landlord found out, and sent me a nasty letter saying I was through in the building if I didn't take it outside. So I did. After that I would sit in my little hooptie of a car, and chain smoke outside. One misty morning I saw a 3 point buck on Oxford at Virginia in Berkeley. It was just standing in someone's driveway eating a potted plant.

I also used to watch mushy movies so I'd have some handsome romance dude in my mind soothing my nerves back to sleep. Now I just roll over and look at Dan, who keeps me warm. Sometimes I would turn around in bed so my head would face the other way. I don't know why but disorienting myself always made me fall asleep faster. I'm weird.

Although far from productive, my all time favorite midnight pastime is online shopping. You have this vague notion that you bought something but it's a surprise by the time it finally arrives at your door. This can be really dangerous, but awesome just the same.

If you are indeed awake, Masterminds, go with your gut, if you need to start painting the front door. Dude, I say do that shit. If not, so what. :)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Crazy Booger

Well hello fellow Masterminds,

Imagine, if you will, a steamy island wonderland, tropical, beautiful, and English speaking. One tourist holds the travel book; the other, the camera. Printed on that cheap, flimsy, brownish recycled paper of the travel book... could that be right?

Loco Moco

Okay, let's not get all crazy, because we know by now that I was the honeymoon traveler with the book. I took another look, and added 2+2, then chewed on a fingernail, shrugged my shoulders and decided to have this local plate; which, in Spanish means Crazy Booger. (See that? See how I did that. Fuck I'm good.)

So Dan and I wandered on over to the HomeMaid Cafe in Kihei, new to the tropics, not quite as new to marriage as honeymooners usually are, and not at all new to ravenous hunger.

It's a little hole in the wall kind of place. One with a menu of re-arrangeable letters on the wall, and then laminated photos of all the dishes were taped to the wall next to it. So, I walked up to the skinny kid at the register and said, "May I have a Loco Moco, please?" Dan got right on that train with me.

All this happened within an hour of us leaving the airport.

We slid into a booth and waited for this island magic to cleanse our polluted souls. Two big, mismatched ceramic bowls steaming with a big scoop of white rice, topped by a hamburger patty, then by a fried egg, and finally bathed in brown gravy. Angels sang.

It was beautiful. We demolished that crazy ass booger. Word.

The only other thing I would wish to impart to you, tender Masterminds. When they ask if you want salad or macaroni, always say macaroni. Aloha.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Um, hello

My Dear Masterminds,

Ever so sheepishly, I find myself back in my second-hand ergo chair, trying to caress something brilliant and moving from this beat up laptop that's seen better days. And yes, I am truly embarrassed. Dan and I tripped away on our Hawaiian honeymoon and came back to the hubbub of the holidays. I told myself I could take the whole month off, no one would hold it against me for taking a writing break. Right?

I would begin on the first. The premiere day of 2010. Twenty-ten. So awesome right? At about 11pm on December 31st, I realized that the first of my resolutions was already pointed at disaster. No blog. I didn't even have the urge to turn this contraption on to gush about lovey-dovey honeymoon time.

Zip on to today. January 11th. It's a nice round number. It's breaking tradition and fresh. Okay, it's not and I feel like a lame-o. But I am here. Shit is still happening to me, fires and such, that some poor soul in a similar position might be able to appreciate. It is for you, fellow cluster-fuck, that I risk my reputation to report on ongoing nonsense.

Ice, consider yourself broken. Tomorrow, Masterminds!